Nick Mamatas (nihilistic_kid) wrote,
Nick Mamatas

And now... every "Extreme horror" story ever written

Some time ago, I did every quiet horror story ever written, but for extreme horror I'll actually not only share with you the result, but the methodology.

You'll need:

1. one white fellow
2. one woman whose dialogue should consist only of emotional bleating
3. some nipples
4. a hole
5. a soupçon of poorly rendered social commentary, for a "moral"
6. a third-grade vocabulary
7. lots of single-sentence paragraphs
8. Italics, for the thinking parts!
9. Absolutely no knowledge of anatomy or physiological processes

Now watch and learn!


Emily was pregnant. John wanted to be happy, but he was angry. Why now! That bitch! I was just about to finish writing my horror novel and get famous, and that cow had to go and ruin it for me!

"Ow!" said Emily, "the baby just kicked!" She waddled over to John, who was sitting at his computer writing his horror novel. "You have to feel the baby kick! It makes me happy that the baby is kicking!" John felt his wife's belly and pretended to feel happy. He said, "That's nice, dear." Emily walked away smiling, her huge belly big and fat and nearly ready to knock over the furniture in John's cramped apartment.

That night John relaxed by watching zombie movies on TV. He liked Italian zombie movies the best. John sometimes wondered what the Pope thought of Italian zombie movies. Haw haw, he probably hates them!
John thought.

Then John remembered something.

The Pope used to be a Nazi.

While a lady was stabbed with a knife in her pussy on screen, John heard his wife yell again.

"Come here, John!" Emily yelled. "The baby is kicking again! And...there is something else!"

John walked into the bedroom and saw that Emily was seated on the corner of the bed. She was topless, and her nipples were thick and wet from leaking mother's milk. "I think the baby is coming. It's kicking soooo hard!"

John suddenly snapped. "Kick so hard? Don't mind if I do!" Then he ran up to his wife and slammed his foot into her belly. He smacked the scream out of her mouth and dragged her by the hair to the steps. "You bitch, that baby is going to ruin us! I told you to have an abortion, but now I'll give you one for free!" He threw Emily down the steps, watching her slam her head against each step like she was a storefront dummy.

Finally, now I can write my novel, and I even have an ending!

But then, Emily began to move.

A knife shot out of her belly, and out of the gaping hole of flesh and blood came a horrible fetus. A fetus who wore the pointy white tiara of a Pope!

"HITLER HITLER HITLER!" the fetus screamed as it held up his knife and ran up the steps toward his father.

John began to scream.

UPDATE: Also, extreme horror involves many collaborations. splinister brings you the SHOCK ending!

"HITLER HITLER HITLER!" the fetus screamed, and brandished the knife in its chubby fist.

It had the bug eyes and mandibles of a space ant. John realised he should have taken his wife seriously when she complained of being abducted and raped two weeks earlier. It would have explained the sudden pregnancy.

His bladder released, and the hot stream on his leg reminded John that he was only wearing boxers.

The baby levered out of its mother on its six legs, and skittered up the steps toward John: at crotch level.

John began to scream.

Also, don't worry about the repetition. People can begin to scream over and over, just like phones may suddenly ring even though they cannot slowly rev up to a ring.

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